ISO 27001 Paper Tiger

ISO 27001 Paper Tiger – The Ultimate Weapon for 120% IT Security (At Least on Paper)

The ISO 27001 Paper Tiger is the revolutionary flagship of modern security culture. Finally, a solution that guarantees everything is secure — because it’s meticulously documented in pretty papers! With this majestic beast by your side, you are equipped against every danger. It is the ultimate incarnation of bureaucratic power — a predator that tears threats apart at their roots.

Features and Applications

The Predator Among Certifications

The Paper Tiger exudes untamed ferocity. Its gaze — cold and penetrating — is enough to shred threats like phishing, malware, or insider attacks in midair. Attackers gasp for breath when they catch a whiff of its risk assessment from afar.

Documentation Dominance

With up to 1,200 pages of exquisite policies, procedures, and guidelines, the Paper Tiger radiates absolute control and oversight. Your security architecture is documented so thoroughly that hackers would voluntarily give up just reading it.

Visual Deterrent

Place the ISO 27001 Paper Tiger in your office — as a three-dimensional mountain of files or an imposing PowerPoint presentation. All visitors will instantly know: order reigns here. And paper.
(Physical threats may optionally include paper cuts.)

The Magic of Policies

Why implement real security measures when you can have it all: Access Control Policies, Incident Response Procedures, and Risk Assessment Documents — all described in meticulous detail? No need for firewalls when you have a Firewall Policy document that’s elegantly laminated with a gold border!

Certified Security

With the ISO 27001 Paper Tiger, you reach the holy grail of IT security: compliance. Audit evaluations skyrocket while actual security risks… well, remain carefully documented.

A Must-Have for Every IT Department

Ideal for anyone who prefers spending time in meetings, signing, and approval loops rather than doing tedious patch management or intrusion detection. The ISO 27001 Paper Tiger gives you the freedom to live security — page by page.

Threat Mitigation Through Pure Bureaucracy

DDoS attack? Covered in Section 14.2 of the ISMS manual. Ransomware? No longer exists since the Tiger defined responsibilities clearly in a governance matrix. Zero-day exploit? Uninteresting as long as you’ve neatly assessed and approved the risk in your register!

Also Available Laminated – for +10 Effectiveness!

For those who want maximum protection: The ISO 27001 Paper Tiger is now available in a laminated version. The smooth, glossy surface not only provides better protection against coffee stains and admin tears but enhances the intimidating aura of the Tiger by at least +10 on the security effectiveness scale.

ISO 27001 Paper Tiger – Because security is primarily a matter of proper phrasing.

Now available, including a template set for “Confidentiality Agreements,” “Risk Assessments,” and “Process Descriptions” that no one reads — but everyone has to sign!